Yesterday marked the end of the relationship I have been in for the past 7ish years. I am not writing this to bash on the other party, nor am I writing this for sympathy, or empathy. I am simply writing this because writing, for me, is healing, and I hope that someone who comes across this, and reads this, finds it helpful in whatever way they need.
After years of many good times, and many bad, the other human in the relationship came to the final decision that he no longer had time for the relationship, I was no longer a priority, I was now simply an obligation, and the vision of seeing a future with me had faded.
After years of thinking you’re going to marry this person, after years of love, devotion, future planning, commitment, loyalty, and faithfulness. To hear these things…the hurt, anger (lots of anger), disappointment, frustration, confusion, and sadness is indescribable. Old thoughts of, “What did I do wrong?”, “Am I inadequate?”, “What could I have done better?”, “I loved him so much, why was I not enough?”, “Do I not deserve to be loved?”, etc. swirled through my head.
But, at 4:00 this morning as I write this, different emotions have began to peak through the light. Joy. Happiness. Freedom.
Looking back, like I said, there were many good times, but also many bad. I spent a lot of the relationship giving, and giving, and giving, with very unequal reciprocated effort in return that by the end, I just couldn’t give anymore. Truth is, I fell in love with someone who just wasn’t ready. I don’t blame it on age because I don’t believe love is limited by age. Truth is, of all the people my heart could have chosen, it decided on a boy who didn’t have enough room in his own heart to love someone like me. He’s a good guy, just not ready for the commitment.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved this boy more than I ever knew possible, but for years I knew I needed and deserved more than I was getting. I thought, “Just keep loving harder and maybe it will work out”. In theory it would work, but not if the effort is never matched.
In this time of deep heartache, it is fascinating (and a little scary) to be also feeling joy and happiness. But, I know where these feelings come from.
Joy: God is close to the brokenhearted. God is the ultimate source of joy. In this, and the many other times of heartache of the past, God is there providing me with joy and peace.
Happiness: Despite this unfortunate situation, I am happy (along with every other emotion under the sun). I know it sounds weird, even to me it sounds weird. But I am. I’m not really sure how to quite explain this one yet, but despite it all, I feel happy and peaceful. I think the happiness goes hand in hand with the freedom. I can be, even more so than I have been, 100 percent me. And the peace comes from knowing I did all I could, and trusting that my Heavenly Father has my life in His hands, and everything is gonna be just fine, even better.
For years, people have told me, but it’s a hard thing to tell yourself without feeling demanding, unrealistic, and selfish: “You deserve more.” It’s extremely hard to tell myself that because it seems like a “holier-than-thou” phrase and thought process, which I don’t like. We are all loved, and we all deserve love. But, I am beginning to realize that saying to myself, “I deserve more” is not saying, “I am better”, it is instead saying “I respect myself. I know my worth. And in my heart, I do not feel that my worth has been equally respected.”
If you are going through something similar, respect yourself, know your worth, and know this:
You are so deeply loved.
You do deserve love.
If you gave it everything you had, you did nothing wrong.
You are enough.